Yes, I admit that I do suffer from depression ... I’m better nowadays, but I still feel it every so often. The feeling is loneliness ... like there is disconnect between me and the world ... and especially me and love ones. And when I am in that withdrawal phase of mine ... ironically ... all I want is for someone to hold my hand.
Sunday, June 25
Depression
Yes, I admit that I do suffer from depression ... I’m better nowadays, but I still feel it every so often. The feeling is loneliness ... like there is disconnect between me and the world ... and especially me and love ones. And when I am in that withdrawal phase of mine ... ironically ... all I want is for someone to hold my hand.
Wednesday, June 21
Momentum
Wow ... so much had happen and there is more to come. U wanna know what happen ... yea, I know u wanna ... here are the juicy highlights --- for 2 and a half days, Chica and I took a fast pace; challenging; strenuous motorcycle course and we both pass ... yep, we are going to get our class M license ... and completing the 1st step in bring Chica’s passionate dream to life =).
As for me, I made breakthroughs in getting to know God ... and that allows me to start building a strong foundation on solid ground (or for you who like biblical reference, I’m building on top of a Rock). Speaking of foundation, I started to learn about real estates ... yea ... you got it ... I’m learning on how to buy a house! Expensive you may ask ... HAHA ... that is an affirmative ... let’s just say a ½ of a million house is average!!! (no, I’m NOT kidding). I’m still wondering if I should sell my kidney to pay for my mortgage (j/k) =P.
Finally, our one year anniversary (of our first meeting) is coming up ... this Friday ... and I still remember the first words I spoke to her ... “So, I finally get to meet you face to face ... Hi, I’m ...” ... and from that moment, my life changed. Yea, yea ... I know, some of you may ask ... “why are you celebrating the first meeting? ... should it be the first date (as bf/gf)?” ... and my reply is ... “why not do both?” This is important to me ... yep ... I even tried plan for a big night out a few months ago. This is what I dreamed up ... (because it is not going to happen ... but I would be so --- so! happy if something comes close to this) ... an ideal date =) I could imagine both of us getting a good night rest ... relax, refresh, in good mood ... no work/school work/home work on our mind because everything is done ... free from group activates and outside distraction ... liberated to be spontaneous with various entertainment available to us (including a romantic dinner).
LOL ... I know Chica is going to tell me to keep on dreaming ... hehe ... because it is almost like a (one day) vacation. I still want to take her to see/hear/feel the waterfall (^o^) ... hopefully in the near, spontaneous future ...
As for me, I made breakthroughs in getting to know God ... and that allows me to start building a strong foundation on solid ground (or for you who like biblical reference, I’m building on top of a Rock). Speaking of foundation, I started to learn about real estates ... yea ... you got it ... I’m learning on how to buy a house! Expensive you may ask ... HAHA ... that is an affirmative ... let’s just say a ½ of a million house is average!!! (no, I’m NOT kidding). I’m still wondering if I should sell my kidney to pay for my mortgage (j/k) =P.
Finally, our one year anniversary (of our first meeting) is coming up ... this Friday ... and I still remember the first words I spoke to her ... “So, I finally get to meet you face to face ... Hi, I’m ...” ... and from that moment, my life changed. Yea, yea ... I know, some of you may ask ... “why are you celebrating the first meeting? ... should it be the first date (as bf/gf)?” ... and my reply is ... “why not do both?” This is important to me ... yep ... I even tried plan for a big night out a few months ago. This is what I dreamed up ... (because it is not going to happen ... but I would be so --- so! happy if something comes close to this) ... an ideal date =) I could imagine both of us getting a good night rest ... relax, refresh, in good mood ... no work/school work/home work on our mind because everything is done ... free from group activates and outside distraction ... liberated to be spontaneous with various entertainment available to us (including a romantic dinner).
LOL ... I know Chica is going to tell me to keep on dreaming ... hehe ... because it is almost like a (one day) vacation. I still want to take her to see/hear/feel the waterfall (^o^) ... hopefully in the near, spontaneous future ...
Monday, June 5
God Answered
Eureka!!! God did answer my question! ... and it was in front of my face the whole time. How could I miss it ... Chica told so me many times and yet it did not click till now ... God does work through people ... and she is definitely one of God’s angel. She told me that it is not in God’s will to make someone do something that he/she is not ready for. Today, this hits me hard (like tuning on a light bulb) while I took rest after reading the His words.
With the disciple workbook and the all the Bible reading I did over my break ... my head was winded up tight ... so tight that I felt that I am unqualified, so ill-equipped and unworthy to be His disciple. Well of course I’m not ready at this moment ... and further more, I do not know why I felt the need to forsake everyone I ever loved in order to follow Him. Yes, His original disciples did leave their livelihood in order join His quest ... but they did it with love!!! ... not for duty and certainly not for guilt. Moreover, He does not tell us to love Him only ... instead, He commands us to love each other too. Jesus is all about love ... and I know He will never want His followers to forsake love because He is the ultimate example of love for loving us.
Looking back, it is silly for me to be so hard on myself ... it is a blessing to love my family and friends ... and it is especially special to have Chica love me as much as I do for her. I see the big picture!!! I’m not blind anymore ... we all need to love Him first so we can have a solid foundation (the Rock) and to learn from Him ... so we can show our love for each other ... just like how He love us. If we can learn to love like Him ... even a fraction of His enormous love ... I believe the world will be a better place. And when I’m ready to take on His “big” mission ... I’m positive that He will arm me with the wisdom, courage and, most importantly, the love that I need.
God loves me and all of us ... and I praise Him for His unconditional love ... a source of great joy and blessing for many of us. Thank You Jesus =)
With the disciple workbook and the all the Bible reading I did over my break ... my head was winded up tight ... so tight that I felt that I am unqualified, so ill-equipped and unworthy to be His disciple. Well of course I’m not ready at this moment ... and further more, I do not know why I felt the need to forsake everyone I ever loved in order to follow Him. Yes, His original disciples did leave their livelihood in order join His quest ... but they did it with love!!! ... not for duty and certainly not for guilt. Moreover, He does not tell us to love Him only ... instead, He commands us to love each other too. Jesus is all about love ... and I know He will never want His followers to forsake love because He is the ultimate example of love for loving us.
Looking back, it is silly for me to be so hard on myself ... it is a blessing to love my family and friends ... and it is especially special to have Chica love me as much as I do for her. I see the big picture!!! I’m not blind anymore ... we all need to love Him first so we can have a solid foundation (the Rock) and to learn from Him ... so we can show our love for each other ... just like how He love us. If we can learn to love like Him ... even a fraction of His enormous love ... I believe the world will be a better place. And when I’m ready to take on His “big” mission ... I’m positive that He will arm me with the wisdom, courage and, most importantly, the love that I need.
God loves me and all of us ... and I praise Him for His unconditional love ... a source of great joy and blessing for many of us. Thank You Jesus =)
Sunday, June 4
Redeemer
In the past, I had dreams in finding a person that will save me from all my problems ... to support me in times of need ... someone that I can depend on. Now, I morn the death of my old self and my deeply rooted dreams.
The only one that I can absolutely depend on is Jesus Christ ... He is the rock and on that rock, I hope that Jesus will create new me.
I have a confession to make ... I’m in love with the little girl in the story. She makes me smile, laugh, cry and much more – and I had placed her on the top of my priorities. But as I build an intimate relation with Jesus Christ, He teaches me that He needs to be on top in order for me to grow. He shows me how my human weakness causes me to stumble over and over again. For a long time in my stubborn ways, I did try to defeat my flaws on my own ... and I was not successful. But with His strength and teaching, I hope overcome everything ... but first, I need to place Him on the top of my priorities ... and that I know to be true.
However as I study to be His follower ...to be His disciple ... to take up my cross ... I pray that it is in His will that I may continue to love and care for the little girl who shown me the way to my Redeemer.
The only one that I can absolutely depend on is Jesus Christ ... He is the rock and on that rock, I hope that Jesus will create new me.
I have a confession to make ... I’m in love with the little girl in the story. She makes me smile, laugh, cry and much more – and I had placed her on the top of my priorities. But as I build an intimate relation with Jesus Christ, He teaches me that He needs to be on top in order for me to grow. He shows me how my human weakness causes me to stumble over and over again. For a long time in my stubborn ways, I did try to defeat my flaws on my own ... and I was not successful. But with His strength and teaching, I hope overcome everything ... but first, I need to place Him on the top of my priorities ... and that I know to be true.
However as I study to be His follower ...to be His disciple ... to take up my cross ... I pray that it is in His will that I may continue to love and care for the little girl who shown me the way to my Redeemer.
Saturday, June 3
Moral of the story
Trust Jesus in His daily guidance, lean on Jesus for the strength to sail thought the storm, and obey Jesus’ commands (and one of His friendly commands is...)
“You didn’t choose me. I chose you. I appointed you to go and produce lasting fruit, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask for, using my name. This is my command: Love each other.”
John 15:16-17 (NLT)
Wednesday, May 31
A story of a little boy
Oh, what a beautiful day to be at the beach on a distant land. The sounds of the ocean echo as far as the eyes can see. Many of the younger children are playing in the sand next to the heavy surf. They are having a care free time while the older children start to gather them up for the continuation of their journey with the Guardian. The Guardian loves all his children and they call Him Daddy (and the world knows Him as Jesus Christ). On that sunny day, Daddy notices that there is a new comer in the group – a little boy with a cumbersome blue backpack stuffed with all his personal belongings. This boy is so young that he can barely walk. So, He sends one of his little ones with a heart of an angel to help him – a little girl not much older than the boy.
As the day gets shorter and Daddy calls out to everyone to following Him as they continue on their walk to another distant land. Some of the children play with each other as they walk and other simply help keep a watchful eye on the little ones. At the back of the group, the little boy struggles to keep up with rest of the children. His weak little feet only allow him to go so fast and his heavy backpack is slowing him down even move. The little girl tries to help him by holding his hand and teaches him on what Daddy had taught her on how to walk the rough sands on the beach.
As the two walk together, the little girl notices that this little boy likes to speak his mind and not afraid to be honest. She sees that the boy’s heart is eager to learn, but his mind doesn’t completely understand everything – he is so young but has great potential. The little boy also notices that the girl with the golden heart loves to listen. He knows that Daddy will not send someone that will harm him and so, he starts to trust the little girl with his heart and tells her everything. Soon, they became dear friends.
In spite of this friendship, the little girl does not have the strength to prevent the little boy from stumbling and cutting his knees. The boy feels bad for holding her back and sees that she is starting to long for fellowship with the other children in the front of the group. And so, he let goes of her hand and tells her to go play. She turns towards him with a simile and says that she will be back. Shortly afterward, a storm brews within the little boy and he starts to cry.
Daddy hears this boy’s cry and He goes and asks him what is wrong. The young boy replies, “I’m very tire <sniff><sniff>... and my knees hurt ... and I’m scare ... <sniff> ... where is my dear friend?”
Daddy then smiles. ...“Don’t be afraid,” he said. “Take courage, I am here!” Matthew 14:27 (NLT)
He takes the backpack off the little boy and says this to all his children ... “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” Matthew 11:28-30 (NLT)
Then Daddy picks the little boy up into His arms. Instinctively, the boy starts looking around for his dear friend, but Daddy clams him down and says, “Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And if worry can’t accomplish a little thing like that, what’s the use of worrying over bigger things? ... So don’t be afraid, little flock. For it gives your Father great happiness to give you the Kingdom.” Luke 12:25-26&32 (NLT)
Then Daddy wants to share some wisdom with his children and so He sits down on a large rock and places the little boy on one of His lap. As Daddy gathers up the children around Him, the little girl come running back to the little boy to see how he is doing. Daddy picks her up as well and places her on His other lap and whisper to the boy, “trust Me.”
To all His children He teaches:
My child, never forget the things I have taught you.
Store my commands in your heart.
If you do this, you will live many years,
and you life will be satisfying.
Never let loyalty and kindness leave you!
Tie them around your neck as a reminder.
Write them deep within your heart.
Then you will find favor with both God and people,
and you will earn a good reputation.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.
Proverbs 3:1-6 (NLT)
Afterward, night falls comes and everyone starts to prep for sleep. The little boy gives a gentle tug on Daddy’s shirt and says, “I pray that when I grow up, I want to be like You, Daddy – to love others the same way You do.” Daddy then looks at His little one and gives him one more lesson for the day:
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand it s own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. ... Three things will last forever – faith, hope, and love – and the greatest of these is love. Corinthians 13:4-7&13 (NLT)
The little boy with his big round eyes can only stare at Daddy with amazement. He now knows what it means to love like Daddy and he is eager to be like Him. Knowing what His little one is thinking, Daddy then announces the following to everyone ... “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me.” Matthew 16:24 (NLT)
... And all the children with one voice cries out Amen!
As the day gets shorter and Daddy calls out to everyone to following Him as they continue on their walk to another distant land. Some of the children play with each other as they walk and other simply help keep a watchful eye on the little ones. At the back of the group, the little boy struggles to keep up with rest of the children. His weak little feet only allow him to go so fast and his heavy backpack is slowing him down even move. The little girl tries to help him by holding his hand and teaches him on what Daddy had taught her on how to walk the rough sands on the beach.
As the two walk together, the little girl notices that this little boy likes to speak his mind and not afraid to be honest. She sees that the boy’s heart is eager to learn, but his mind doesn’t completely understand everything – he is so young but has great potential. The little boy also notices that the girl with the golden heart loves to listen. He knows that Daddy will not send someone that will harm him and so, he starts to trust the little girl with his heart and tells her everything. Soon, they became dear friends.
In spite of this friendship, the little girl does not have the strength to prevent the little boy from stumbling and cutting his knees. The boy feels bad for holding her back and sees that she is starting to long for fellowship with the other children in the front of the group. And so, he let goes of her hand and tells her to go play. She turns towards him with a simile and says that she will be back. Shortly afterward, a storm brews within the little boy and he starts to cry.
Daddy hears this boy’s cry and He goes and asks him what is wrong. The young boy replies, “I’m very tire <sniff><sniff>... and my knees hurt ... and I’m scare ... <sniff> ... where is my dear friend?”
Daddy then smiles. ...“Don’t be afraid,” he said. “Take courage, I am here!” Matthew 14:27 (NLT)
He takes the backpack off the little boy and says this to all his children ... “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” Matthew 11:28-30 (NLT)
Then Daddy picks the little boy up into His arms. Instinctively, the boy starts looking around for his dear friend, but Daddy clams him down and says, “Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And if worry can’t accomplish a little thing like that, what’s the use of worrying over bigger things? ... So don’t be afraid, little flock. For it gives your Father great happiness to give you the Kingdom.” Luke 12:25-26&32 (NLT)
Then Daddy wants to share some wisdom with his children and so He sits down on a large rock and places the little boy on one of His lap. As Daddy gathers up the children around Him, the little girl come running back to the little boy to see how he is doing. Daddy picks her up as well and places her on His other lap and whisper to the boy, “trust Me.”
To all His children He teaches:
My child, never forget the things I have taught you.
Store my commands in your heart.
If you do this, you will live many years,
and you life will be satisfying.
Never let loyalty and kindness leave you!
Tie them around your neck as a reminder.
Write them deep within your heart.
Then you will find favor with both God and people,
and you will earn a good reputation.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.
Proverbs 3:1-6 (NLT)
Afterward, night falls comes and everyone starts to prep for sleep. The little boy gives a gentle tug on Daddy’s shirt and says, “I pray that when I grow up, I want to be like You, Daddy – to love others the same way You do.” Daddy then looks at His little one and gives him one more lesson for the day:
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand it s own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. ... Three things will last forever – faith, hope, and love – and the greatest of these is love. Corinthians 13:4-7&13 (NLT)
The little boy with his big round eyes can only stare at Daddy with amazement. He now knows what it means to love like Daddy and he is eager to be like Him. Knowing what His little one is thinking, Daddy then announces the following to everyone ... “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me.” Matthew 16:24 (NLT)
... And all the children with one voice cries out Amen!
Thursday, May 25
Thursday, May 11
Discovering Oneself
Every so often, I discover something new about myself. I’m changing little by little ... piece by piece ... because God now play a major role in my life. Yes, I do wonder “what if” I did not choose this path ... and I do not regret it ... actually, I’m glad that I have found Him.
There are more details ... but I will save them for next time.
There are more details ... but I will save them for next time.
Monday, May 8
You've Got Mail
At the end of the work day, I finally got a chance to read some of my mail ... and to my surprise, Chica sent something special. I hope she knows that I’m not mad at her.
Actually, I was more upset about myself for not being able to resist in asking her out ... even when my body is broken from that massive amount of running around (literally) and lack of sleep from the weekend.
Well, I going to sleep ... good nite my Chica.
BTW Chica, you are all that and more ... you are very special ... I just hope you feel the same about me. =)
Actually, I was more upset about myself for not being able to resist in asking her out ... even when my body is broken from that massive amount of running around (literally) and lack of sleep from the weekend.
Well, I going to sleep ... good nite my Chica.
BTW Chica, you are all that and more ... you are very special ... I just hope you feel the same about me. =)
Tuesday, May 2
My Lady
She calms my storms ...
She gives me strength ...
She makes me happy ...
She <3 me ...
She is a gift from God =)
She gives me strength ...
She makes me happy ...
She <3 me ...
She is a gift from God =)
Uprooted part duel
On a second thought, maybe this is the swift kick (right on my butt ... ouch!!!) that I need to move out. My 5 years are about to be up ... and I think it is time to take the next step. Change is scary (oh yea ... terrifying), but it can also be a good thing ... I guess I need to grow up. =)
I will continue to pray for guidance ...
BTW ... this weekend, there were 3 silver CRV’s parked near each other ... today, there were 3 silver CRV’s driving next to each other on the same lane ... hehe ... it looks like a Honda commercial =P
I will continue to pray for guidance ...
BTW ... this weekend, there were 3 silver CRV’s parked near each other ... today, there were 3 silver CRV’s driving next to each other on the same lane ... hehe ... it looks like a Honda commercial =P
Uprooted
I’m going to turn into geek of a sec ... statistically, the amount of time you spent with a person can directly be related to the distance between you and that person. The closer you are to that person (distance wise), the easier for each other to visit ... that is confirmed from my past experience.
News about someone (especially someone I care very much) potentially moving is usually sad news for me because I do not want to see less of this person.
So ... God, what is Your will? ... What should I do?
News about someone (especially someone I care very much) potentially moving is usually sad news for me because I do not want to see less of this person.
So ... God, what is Your will? ... What should I do?
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