Lack of Communication

Thank God that Chica picked up the phone
... and all is better now =)

This made me realize that all my other problems are insignificant ...

The thought of losing her is unbearable ... and I will fight for her ... and no matter what happens, I will always love her <3

Doghouse

I’m in the doghouse...

edit: After a long walk with the Lord ... I realize that I don’t know how to ask for help ... instead I make things worst by complaining (or even picking a fight) ... and no one will know when/how to help.

Right now, I’m begging for help ... I’m broken ... please help me!!!

edit: just got Chica’s reply ... that hurts a lot ... =,(

Regret

It is sometime after midnight and all I feel is regret ... regret for what I said to Chica on Thursday ... I was trying to vent and I took out my frustration on her...

Here is a funny thing ... took Chica advice about putting more faith in God ... and on that Thursday, I knew my anger is slowing surfacing ... and all I can mumble over and over is “God, please help me” ... I think some people thinks that I’m talking to the computer again ... of course, I blew up on the phone and Chica was the casualty ... that was not so funny...

I’m feeling better as of right now ... more level headed ... I just wish that I did not have my dark side ... I hate when I hurt someone that I love ... and Chica was so happy that day ... she had high hope for the weekend ... and all in the swift swoop, I ruined it. =(

There is still a dilemma and I need to sit down and talk it over with Chica ... and the problem is on my end and I’m trapped ... so oh mighty God, please help me ... I’m weak and I don’t know what to do.

Please forgive me, Chica. m(_)m

Rest in Peace

I hate myself ... why do I have to open my mouth???

My mom says that I’m like my father ... a very soft/gentle person ... that is until something is bothering us ... and then we are pressure cookers ... and the issue is the fire ... and we are ticking time bomb.

I’m tire ... very tire ... still very burnt out ... and no where to relieve the pressure ... no more ... please no more fire ... I cannot take it anymore!!!

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The more I talk ... the deeper the hole I dig ... please tell me when I hit 6 feet.

Maybe I can finally rest when I can lie down in my own hole.

This is sad day for my fellowship ... may YPF rest in peace ...

To Be Free

(version 1.3 with personal & Chica's comments)

Rev. Maak Hei Chun is one excellent evangelical speaker and teacher ... his message touches many people ... including me (and Chica too).

Today in an evangelical meeting with the college and youth group, he talked about his missions with other Christian speakers throughout the world ... spreading the gospel to all nations in all languages.

He said that Jesus wants us to follow His way ... to do what He did ... to do even greater things in His name. All of us are capable of doing great things when we have Jesus in our heart ... to have faith ... and we can be free from our sins, from ourselves, from our world, and even from our death.

To be free from our sins...

Even as a Christian, Rev. Maak claimed that he is capable of sinning ... actually, he claimed that all Christians will sin because all Christians are human ... and it is in our nature to sin. However, with Jesus’ love and sacrifice on the cross, we all can be forgiven for our sin ... Jesus will always forgives us when we come to Him and repent. Then what set Christians apart from non-believers? ... Well, a Christian will always keep striving not to sin ... and one day, when we truly have Him in our heart, we will not feel the need to sin. He also reminded us that as we ask for forgiveness, do not forget to forgive ourselves.

To be free from ourselves...

Rev. Maak told a true story about an honest, rich, business man he knew back in China ... who had everything that he wanted. However, this business man had a busy mind and it did not allow him to sleep. He tried sleeping aid, but it did not help. Western and Eastern medicine cannot solve his problem ... and so he tried ti-che ... yoga ... and other method of meditation ... but all without success. Then one day, someone suggested to him that he should turn to Jesus for help. So, with all alternatives exhausted, he gave it a tried on a sleepless Sunday morning ... and as the pastor spoke, he had his very first good sleep in ages. From then on as his went back (for sleep) ... he thanked God for freeing him from his dilemma with himself.

Moreover, Rev. Maak told us that we needed to allow God to free us from our weaknesses and from our strengths ... yes, from both end to balance us. We all would love to get rid of our weaknesses ... (I for one would love to do that) ... and to do that, we need to let God into our heart ... to let go of control ... to have faith. But why do we need to free ourselves from our strengths, too? Well, we can let our pride get in the way ... our accomplishment makes us boastful, and we can get a “big ego” ... and therefore, we must remain humble ... and balance.

To be free from our world...

In another story, Rev. Maak told us how the world can draw us into conforming with everyone else. It is a story about a baby eagle, taken from his nest by a farmer traveling on the mountain side. The farmer brought him back to his farm and raised the young eagle as one of his chickens. The eagle ate and did whatever the chickens did. Years later, a friend of the farmer came by ... and at first, this friend thought the eagle is was an odd looking chicken from a distant land. But after a closer look, this friend notices that it is a magnificent eagle and wanted to see him fly. However, the farmer believes that eagle will never fly ... since he raised this bird as one of his chickens ... but he allowed his friend to try. This friend of his tried to hold the eagle up high and let it fly ... the eagle started to flap by spreading his majestic wing out ... but when the eagle saw that chicken feed on the ground, he glided down to it and ate. The friend however did give up and tried again from the top of the roof ... and the same thing happens when the eagle saw the chicken feed down below. With one more attempt by the friend ... they went back to the mountain side on that clear sunny day ... and this time when the eagle spread his wing, he saw something new ... and he flew into the open sky. Yes, everyone is capable in spreading their wings and fly into the open sky ... (this is what I’m praying for Chica ... to fly free)

To be free from our death

Rev. Maak then told us that death is part of life ... and we are young (compare to him) and don’t think of it, but it will come sooner or later. Can we truly say that we don’t fear death? ... to be thankful till our last breath? Well, we can if we believe and follow Jesus.

We all can choose to follow Jesus' way and do great thing in His name ... to be free to fly into the open sky. Rev. Maak also mentioned that it is good to be balance ... to not take anything in extremes ... and to this conclusion, I look forward in following his advices and ask Jesus for guidance ... to let go of control ... to have faith ... (and that is something that Chica tried showed me during the night before ... she knew the answer to my dilemma ... she is truly my angel).


edit: from Chica
reference scripture:

John 14:11-12

11 "Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least believe on that evidence of the miracle themselves."

12 "I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father."

Jesus did not seem to accomplish a lot in his life time. His lifestyle was very simple; He did not have the technology that we have; He did not even ride a horse, only a donkey; He died at age 33, We can do greater things that He does, we can spread the gospel wordlly, even though so far away, with different languages.

But how can we do greater things than Jesus?

1. By praying

2. If you love Him, you would follow/obey His command. (John 14:25 "If you love me, you will obey what I command."

*Our spirits are greater than evil spirits

*But do not ask evil spirits to come into you. If you ask, it can overtake you. So don't join blackmagic games/shows, etc.

*Take some theological courses through seminary.

What's Left Of Me

This is how I feel ...
Will you take what's left ...
Take what's left of me?

What's Left Of Me
N. Lachey/J. Cates/E. Kiriakou/ L. Robbins
[listen]

Watched my life pass me by
in the rearview mirror
Pictures frozen in time
are becoming clearer
I don't wanna waste another day
Stuck in the shadow of my mistakes
yeah

'cause I want you
and I feel you
crawling underneath my skin
like a hunger
like a burning
to find the place I've never been
now I'm broken
and I'm fading
I'm half the man I thought I would be
But you can have
What's left of me

I've been dying inside
Little by little
Nowhere to go
But goin' out of my mind
In endless circles
runnin' from myself until
You gave me a reason for standing still

And I want you
and I feel you
crawling underneath my skin
like a hunger
like a burning
to find the place I've never been
now I'm broken
and I'm fading
I'm half the man I thought I would be
But you can have
What's left of me

Falling faster
Barely breathing
Give me somethin' to believe in
Tell me it's not all in my head

Take what's left of this man
Make me whole once again

'cause I want you
and I feel you
crawling underneath my skin
like a hunger
like a burning
to find the place I've never been
now I'm broken
and I'm fading
I'm half the man I thought I would be
You can have
All that's left
Yeah, yeah, yeah
What's left of me

I've been dying inside you see
I'm going outta of my mind
Outta of my mind
I'm just runnin' in circles all the time
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left
Of me
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left
Take what's left of me

-*-*-*-

“I see,” the blind man said

Today is a very interesting day ... I feel like a blindfold has been lifted off of me. Let me start by telling you what had happen...

(Similar theme to previous post “Reciprocate” - Monday, August 29, 2005)

Last night was a long night for me ... I cannot go to sleep ... I did not want to let go but I finally gave it up ... I finally accepted the fact that I will have to find some other ways of relaxing (no trips for me). This morning, after reading Chica’s posting, I know that she had a rough night too ... and so I wanted to go cheer her up ... to make her happy.

But then something stopped me ... the question of “am I doing the right thing?” came into my mind. And I said “yes I am doing the right thing” – I’m cheering up someone that I love ... there is nothing wrong with that ... but I still have this bad feeling. And then I remember the conversation that I had with Chica a while back ... I said that I wanted to give unconditionally and then she said that it is unfair. Till then, I have been turning deaf ear to what everyone had said ... but after she said it, I have to accept the fact. I start to question if this is “unfair” ... and my conclusion is ... yes, it is unfair.

I’m willing to take time and effort to cheer her up ... but will she do same for me? I’m willing to do a lot for this girl that I love ... drive her and her family anywhere ... when she say no, I listen ... work my schedule around her and her family ... when she is not happy, I try to cheer up ... even when I’m sick or tire, I let nothing stand in her way ... I go on standby all the time ... sometimes, I feel like a dog. So the biggest question I have for myself is – will she do the same for me???

I don’t need her to do exactly what I did ... but I would like to have the comfort in knowing that she will reciprocate ... that she will be there when I need her. And as of right now ... I’m sorry to say ... I don’t feel that comfort. I’m quite saddened by this eye opening day ... and I think I know what I need to do.

In every relationship, there is a balance ... and I have upset this delicate balance by being all giving. It is not right to expect her to be at my level ... and she will never want to leave this comfort zone that I had created if I continue with what I’m doing. So, I’m going to have to try to back off and hopefully she loves me as much as I love her.

I have been praying this prayer since the day that I first asked Chica to go out on a date ... Dear God, I do not know what is your master plan for us ... but if Chica and I are meant for each other ... I pray that you will being us closer and guide us to where ever you need us to be ... In your name I pray ... amen

Issues

AAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<sigh> =(

Usually I have not much to say ... but this issue really makes me mad...

the issue is “Traveling”

When I first meet Chica, I thought I found my hike partner ... when she can ski, I thought I found my ski partner ... but when I want take these actives future out of state ... I cannot bring her along.

I asked why ... and her parents’ reply is “reputation” – must keep a stainless reputation ... where a women must remain pure for the husband to be ... a very old tradition.

Ironically, they also said that their son may travel because he is a guy. A double stander ... a very old traditional & unreasonable double stander ... still in practice today.

<sigh>

There is nothing I can say to change their mind. It is their way or the highway.

If Chica was 16, it is reasonable to say you are too young. But she is not ... she is >21 ... old enough to vote ... old enough to be drafted into war ... old enough to drive ... old enough to work and own a home. And yet she will never be old enough to travel without close supervision.

Should we worry about her reputation on how she drive ... or maybe on how she work ... especially as an engineer, we produce work that will affect hundreds if not thousands of lives? Should we call all girls in the youth group who went camping overnight with the Church as sluts? For the sake of reputation, maybe it is better lock all the girls at home and wait till they get marry ... just like the old days.

<sigh>

Yes, I want to travel and I want Chica to come with ... I want to show her the world ... to let her spread her wings ... but that is hard to do with only day trips. I cannot image how I will grow to be if I did not go on those trips during my youth – since Jr. High. Those trips opened my eyes ... and now, I know what I want for my own family ... my kids will see the world ... not thought books ... not thought TV ... not thought a computer ... but thought their own eyes.

<long sigh>

So, why am I so angry? Well, I want to respect her parents ... but at the same time, this is against my belief. I believe that it is counter productive and even harmful to overprotect one’s kids ... especially for the sake of old tradition and standards.

I guess I will have to leave her at home if I want/need to travel ... but I feel bad =(

So ... I will drop this issue ... for now ... I’m sure it will popup in the distant future.

Over the Limit

I pushed to limit ... and over ... and so I got burnt this time.

As a chameleon, I try to accommodate the needs of other ... and in doing so, I slowly lose my identity. Everyday I discover something new about myself ... and yet, I’m not sure who I am becoming. God, who am I? Who should I be?

So for now, I’m going to stop planning (tightly) ... be more spontaneous ... and let God take the driver seat...

BTW, it is amazing how news travel fast in Church ... I guess God has blessed some people with a big mouth ... (^O^)

In Love

Everyone can guess how I feel ... only two truly knows how I feel ... God and Chica <3

Fly High

This week, Chica went on her first overnight(s) business trip to Florida ... first time on her own without a chaperon ... I could image it to be very exciting. (^o^)

I just wish she call me ... as she said she will do ... to put my mind to peace.

Edit: [ She called ... yea!!! ... =D ]

Anyway, I hope Chica is enjoying her trip. =)

What is wrong?

I will not deny it anymore ... there is sometime serious wrong with me. So much to do in so little time ... I want to stop ... I’m too tire. I was hoping that I will get better ... but maybe it is just the way it shall be ... <sigh> =(