“I see,” the blind man said

Today is a very interesting day ... I feel like a blindfold has been lifted off of me. Let me start by telling you what had happen...

(Similar theme to previous post “Reciprocate” - Monday, August 29, 2005)

Last night was a long night for me ... I cannot go to sleep ... I did not want to let go but I finally gave it up ... I finally accepted the fact that I will have to find some other ways of relaxing (no trips for me). This morning, after reading Chica’s posting, I know that she had a rough night too ... and so I wanted to go cheer her up ... to make her happy.

But then something stopped me ... the question of “am I doing the right thing?” came into my mind. And I said “yes I am doing the right thing” – I’m cheering up someone that I love ... there is nothing wrong with that ... but I still have this bad feeling. And then I remember the conversation that I had with Chica a while back ... I said that I wanted to give unconditionally and then she said that it is unfair. Till then, I have been turning deaf ear to what everyone had said ... but after she said it, I have to accept the fact. I start to question if this is “unfair” ... and my conclusion is ... yes, it is unfair.

I’m willing to take time and effort to cheer her up ... but will she do same for me? I’m willing to do a lot for this girl that I love ... drive her and her family anywhere ... when she say no, I listen ... work my schedule around her and her family ... when she is not happy, I try to cheer up ... even when I’m sick or tire, I let nothing stand in her way ... I go on standby all the time ... sometimes, I feel like a dog. So the biggest question I have for myself is – will she do the same for me???

I don’t need her to do exactly what I did ... but I would like to have the comfort in knowing that she will reciprocate ... that she will be there when I need her. And as of right now ... I’m sorry to say ... I don’t feel that comfort. I’m quite saddened by this eye opening day ... and I think I know what I need to do.

In every relationship, there is a balance ... and I have upset this delicate balance by being all giving. It is not right to expect her to be at my level ... and she will never want to leave this comfort zone that I had created if I continue with what I’m doing. So, I’m going to have to try to back off and hopefully she loves me as much as I love her.

I have been praying this prayer since the day that I first asked Chica to go out on a date ... Dear God, I do not know what is your master plan for us ... but if Chica and I are meant for each other ... I pray that you will being us closer and guide us to where ever you need us to be ... In your name I pray ... amen