Fear Unfound

This morning, I woke up thinking of one song ... You Are My All In All ... I was singing it in my head while I was under my warm blanket on my bed.

Then, first thing in the morning, I went to have a heart to heart talk with my mom ... about me following God. I was scared ... but when I finally got it off my chest, I was relieved to hear that my mom will not stand in my way. She believes that if it is good for me, then it is good thing. I thank God for unconditional love ... from Him and from my mom.

Tail Spin

I know that this challenge will come sooner or later ... I was hoping for later. But now, it blindsided me ... I was not even suppose to even bring up this issue ... but stupid me.

I need some time to meditate. My head is spinning ... my hamster is going overtime and running extra laps. Maybe it is a blessing that all my plans are canceled ... giving me more time to rest. But I’m tire of thinking ... I feel like I have been running in circle for the past few weeks ... living a lie ... it is so not me.

There is no logic ... and yet fiber in my body is telling to me take a leap ... a leap of faith. Only if I have some more patient. I pray that He is guiding us.

To be or not to be

A little over 2 weeks ago, I wrote (here in this blogger) that in my heart, I believe in God ... that He will save me ... and I wanted a year time frame to enhance my knowledge by reading the whole bible...

But now I think I need to push up the time table...

However, I’m afraid (or more like terrify) to announce my faith to the world ... and to be more precise, the fear is in friends and family, especially my family. They all know about this ... but I believe that they think this is a passing phase ... and I'm not sure how they will react if I officially announce that I believe ... I’m really scared - just like a little kid. And no, it is not a phase for me ... it is a new life. I think about God everyday ... He is part of my life now.

In spite of this, I’m naive when it comes to details, rules and culture of the Church. That is one of the primarily reason that I originally wanted more time ... to learn. Human society (for most people) will not accept a person’s word ... they want proofs. And since I do not know everything (or most) ... they will claim that I am a non-believer.

So ... I need some advices ... any comments are welcome.

Taking vacation to work

So much to do in so little time ... where does the time go ... certainly not for sleeping ... ”yawn” (@_@)

Foliage Trip Highlights

During my hike, I wanted to write everything down and tell the world ... but that will be too much detail. So I figure that each picture (more in the gallery) is worth a thousand words and I will just comment here about some exiting moments =)

Day 1
It started gloomy, cloudy, wet, and in a series of traffic jams in NYC ... all depressing. But as I drove upstate, I could see dark clouds behind me and clear sky in front. It felt like I’m entering a whole new world ... a world back to nature. I smile as I listen to my Sarah Mclachlan – Afterglow Live CD as I drove. I did a lot of thinking too...

I remember I got all excited when I got to the Catskill ... I wanted to scope out everything. Immediately, I started to take lots of photos ... went on a short hike ... saw colorful trees, listened to the waterfalls, hung over cliffs and watched an inspirational sunset. Yes, I stuck out over a ledge to see how far I can go without falling off – crazy me. I stayed till night fall ... also wanted to go on the unmark trail to see the lakes ... but it was getting cold and I was all alone. All in all, it was a splendid day.

Day 2
That afternoon, the whole gang was eager to check out Kaaterskill Falls, the tallest in NY. It was raining, but that did not stop us from hike up slippery rocks. When we got there is, we took lots of photos ... and some us crossed the stream to climb up to the next level of the falls.



I actually slid across on one of the giant rocks covered with wet moss ... yiks! ... I stopped (within inches) from falling in the cold rushing water ... my heart almost jumped out of my chest. When I finally reached the next level, I got soaked from standing next to the waterfall.



Afterward, we tried to go hiking by the lakes ... but the fog was sooo thick, we cannot even see what is in front of us. So ... we went back to the house for a BBQ (under the canopy) ... grazing down food, more food, and even more food ... we were stuffed. Next, in front of a warm fireplace, we played the game, Taboo, till 1 AM ... very funny and exciting as everyone struggles not to repeat any words on the card.

Day 3
I woke early, took a shower, got out of the house before 9:00AM ... and drove all the way back ... just in time for Church.

So, I had a great time ... rain or shine, I thank God painting a master piece ... it’s also fun to get away =)

Preview

I’m a bit tire right now ... I will post the details of my weekend foliage trip soon =)

New Toy!

Just got my new used car! ... can’t wait to play with it ... \(^_^)/

Nice Day

For a walk in the park ... yea (^o^)

Overloaded Stack

I guess it is just being me ... I love to help everyone else. I keep on doing everyone’s tasks ... even if they did not ask me. “Sure, I will help you research it ... sure, I will show you how to ... sure, I will get you those files ... sure, I will fix it – or better yet, I will make it better.” For work, especially for friends, and ironically not so much for family because I’m helping a stranger. And can you blame my mom for wondering why sometimes I’m so tired. I wanna please everyone, but I gotta stop to take care of my list of tasks. So ... for me, less blogging and more focusing on the eight ball. Don’t worry, I will do what I’ve already said yes ... but no more pet projects for the time being.

However, I will still wanna hang =P

Monster Slayer

I’m a knight in white armor ... a monster slayer!!! Well ... not really ... but, I did manage to drive the green-eyed monster back into his dark cave. Now, all I need to do is play a lullaby to put this creature to sleep ... and a high power laser fence with multiple missile turrets would be nice ... hehe ;)

Blue Sky

It good to see the sun again ... after 8 days of rain, we all can finally see the blue sky with rays of warmth from high above. This makes me smile =)

Off topic ... I realize that this blogger getting personal ... it is my journal, my feelings, my views, my inner self ... etc. So, please don’t be shock ... I’m still me. This is a message for my guests and friends who do not know me that well. And as for my closest friends, I believe this only confirms what you already know ... plus a little more – stuff that I did not post on the forum – my sanctuary (hey guys, remember the valentine posting ... hehe).

Back to the topic ... yesterday’s sunny day was suppose to be a frustrating day for me ... but for one reason, I was actually at peace for most of the time. And that one reason is that I let go ... I let go of my tight anal control ... along with my worries and frustrations ... to God. Moreover, I’m not just saying this to “impress people” or whatever ... it is a fact. Stuff happens ... and we need to do whatever we can do ... and the rest is up to the Big Guy.

For example (a very minor one), I lost my hands-free headset for my cell yesterday. I looked for it everywhere ... and asked everyone “have you seen it?” Normally, this will really bug me all day, but ... I let it go. I told myself it will turn up later or I will just have to get a new one – basically, don’t worry. Later that night, my younger cousin gave me a new headset ... a better one ... apparently, his family had recently purchased a few extra headsets (on sale) from online. So, all is well ... there was no need to worry. This is a good example of what the Church addressed today:

(27) Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? (28) "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. (29) Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. (30) If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? (31) So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' (32) For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. (33) But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. (34) Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6: 27-34 NIV

Furthermore, I thank God for answering my prayers ... I’m glad to see my friend finally simile and laugh.

Now, what should I do with my purple toes? ... =P

Hanging out

I had fun (^o^), even when I’m sick. So, I wonder if I nailed my membership into an excusive girls club after completing my initiation. =DDD

Ah Choo!

sniff, sniff I hope to beat this bug by this weekend ... I’m popping those pretty pink pills in like candies (yes, they’re hot pink). ah choo! ... I don’t like taking meds, but I need get well before the weekend ... I cannot go around getting all my friends sick too, now can I?

sniff Sometimes I wonder if the side effects of meds are worse than the symptoms of the disease ... I was so dizzy today at work, I almost fell down a flight of stairs ... I guess I should not take the phrase deadline so literally. (@_@)

Yuck

Yes, it’s cold and rainy for many days ... and there are more to endure till the end if this week. It’s glumly and boring for most people, but I’m feeling fine. I refuse to let my environment control my mood ... and furthermore, I’m OK with last weekend’s tragedy. I did my best, humanly possible and I leave the rest to God ... I have faith in Him.

I have faith in Him ... that phrase seem surreal to me as I type it ... but I actually do. I’ve change ... not dramatically, but I’ve changed ... even my friends said so ... I am happier. I remember a while back, I was talking to my best bud (who is a strong Christian) on how to remove all my worries, my grief (I was in a slump at that time). He told me that is easy ... trust God. Why worry about things that we have no control over ... God will ultimately have the last word...

For all you Christian out there that is commenting on this blog, I need to bluntly tell you that I’m not a Christian. Big surprise? Yep, I’m not ... and you may as why not? My answer is that my heart is there ... I believe ... but I need time to finish reading the Bible. And why do I need to finish the whole Bible? My answer is that I need time ... time to let the seed grow ... to learn and understand ... to walk the path ... to be a real Christian. Don’t worry, I will get there ... that I‘m sure of...

So ... why did I title this blog Yuck? Well, with cooler weather and everyone being sick around me ... I think I’m sick too (yes, I joined the club!). I can feel it starting in the back of my throat ... yuck ... Time for me to see the doctor and sleep early. But before bed, I think I will continue with my reading.

Hangover

Wow ... what happen last weekend? All I remember is a blur ... I’m gotta to lay off those late nite bloggings. (^o^)

Definitions of Love

Do you ever have days when you feel like you are on top of the world and then drop into the deepest abyss of the ocean? That is me ... on an emotional rollercoaster. For three days straight ... I thank God for the good times and I ask Him to give me strength to stand firm in a typhoon of sorrow. This is my chronicle...

Friday
This was the day that I gave Chica a gift with meaningful card. It took me a long while to find the right words for this card because I wanted it to be perfectly sincere without exaggeration. Ironically, I was blind when it comes to proofreading my own work ... oops! Regardless of my mistake, I felt great joy ... a Kodak moment if you know what I mean. Even before I gave her the gift, I was really happy that Chica decided to hang with me.

That night I had dinner with a friend that I have not seen for over half a year. We talked nonstop for almost 3 hours ... and we still need more time, but both of us were worn out. During that conversation, I told my friend about recent events and she told me that she is happy to see me in love ... I paused and looked around ... shocked ... I did not know what to think ... can I be???

Afterward I meet up with my NJ friend ... the one who is getting devoice (there, I finally wrote it – I was hoping that this will not come true, but it did). She was there when I needed support. Now, I’m there to help and support her in anyway that I can ... she is like family. That night, we talked for many hours.

Saturday
My NJ friend wanted to repaint some of the rooms in her house ... to change and to move on. With only few hours of sleep, we started early...

I could only imagine what she is going through ... it was really hard for me to watch a friend in such pain, such sorrow ... and I cannot do a thing but to just be there for her. At one moment, she broke down ... so heartbroken, so fragile ... in so much pain. The rain may put you in a sad mood ... but nothing can compare to those tears ... tears that can melt the strongest of all hearts. While she was crying on my shoulder, I kept my tears in and all I can say to her is that I will pray for you. May God give her strength to stand tall again.

That evening, I was grateful that one of her oldest friend came by to help. Authentic home-cook Malaysian food ... that cheered everyone up. With others accompanying her, I got a chance to slip out of the house and tried to savage my weekend getaway trip ... which seems to be in a limbo.

I was supposed to leave that night, but I stayed to make sure that she is OK. I worked till I crashed on my air mattress ... both physically and emotionally exhausted.

Sunday
Woke early ... I offered to drive my NJ friend to other close friends, so they can accompany her ... but she decided to stay. We did a little more work and then I left straight for Church.

At Church, I was so physically and emotionally exhausted that I was ready to crack. I let a few tears flow when I heard All in All ... a song that always hits me hard. Then I heard my angel sing ... which brought me comfort ... she is for real, she can really sing.

So ...
So, what does this all mean ... well, for me, life is a funny thing. There is great joy and great pain in this world ... I just did not expect them come back to back. Now, the word love has such a deeper meaning to me ... love is utterly unselfish. I know because I keep on trying to be a better man. I strive to give my time ... my energy ... my heart ... to bring a moment joy to another person.

(4) Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. (5) It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. (6) Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. (7) It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
...
(13) And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13: 4-7,13 NIV

Burnt Out

I have been burning the midnight oil in light of hosting a weekend getaway trip (previous post) ... I’m so exhausted. I can barely keep my eyes open. Too many emails, too many phone calls, too many undecided’s ... hehe ... think I need this getaway trip to getaway from hosting this getaway trip ... ironic? (@_@)

Homework

I’m always a student ... one way or another. Do you even remember what your teacher taught you over an eon ago? Well last night, I was trying to remember math from high school ... matrix projection (a form of transformation) in a 2 and 3 degree realms. I forgot something as simple as dot products (ring a bell? ... hehe) ... back to the text book. It brings back memories of sleeping in class ... (~_~)zz

Worry

I worry a lot ... all weekend and even now, I pray that Chica gets better from being sick. I feel soooo guilty for asking her to all my crazy events ... she even got hurt on one of those events. I cannot help worrying ... and sometimes I blame myself because of my selfishness. I should have cancel dinner on the day that she felt sick ... she was so exhausted that she slept whenever she got a chance ... I should have brought her home, tuck her into bed, and let her rest. I think I have some growing up to do ... to put someone else’s welfare above mine.

Sugar Hype!

I just had a big piece of ice cream cake (vanilla and chocolate with cookie crunchy in the middle) AND the last piece of the chocolate mousse cake (a very big piece of mousse cake with chocolate pudding icing and two strawberries on top) ... hmm, hmm good. You gotta enjoy the little things in life and this is one of them ... I have been very sleepy all day ... but now ... with all this sugar ... I think I can bounce of the walls!!! :P

Maybe I will try switch to from ice cream cake to chocolate mousse cake next year ... I did not know that they are that good (or existed) ... even my family loves it ... good enough for one of them to steal an extra bite from my piece.

Hosting

It is a difficult challenge to host a trip ... lots of emailing and calling ... estimating all the needs of the group ... finding the right house for the right price ... but, at the end I know it is all worth it. I just hope all will join in this venture ... grand mountains, towering trees, velvet lakes, majestic waterfalls ...

Plus One

This weekend was very special for me ... even with bad news flowing around, plans constantly changing and pushing myself to exhaustion, I’m still one of the happiest people in the world. Thanks to great friends and a special person with many surprises, this weekend was a milestone. And moreover, I thanks God for the great weather and opportunities (with challenges) that were presented recently.